My apologies for not giving an update in a while, and many thanks to all of you who have prompted me to do so. Here I am, back again!
It’s been 4 weeks since my last update and since then I’ve had a second operation, this time to remove the nipple and some surrounding tissue from the site of the tumour. It’s taken longer to heal from this one although ironically, it has been a lot less painful! Even now two weeks on its still not scabbing entirely and this gets me down.
This has also been more of a struggle emotionally, it’s taking time to get used to how my body looks and at one point I was ready to throw out my entire wardrobe, feeling that nothing could hide the fact that one of my boobs was now smaller than the other and that these days I’m only smuggling one peanut! Still there is also the funny side, my boob now has corners! You’d never believe it, but it is now square with actual corners, which I can’t help but laugh about!
Yesterday Rich and I went back to see the consultant. We had high hopes for this meeting expecting that we’d know the next step when we walked out and would finally be able to make some plans. Alas this was not the case and instead we are referred to the oncologist to decide the treatment ahead. A small comfort is that it is unlikely now that anything will begin before Christmas and at least we get to spend my favourite time of the year doing the things we want to do.
Most days at the moment are good days, I can smile and laugh, and not get frustrated by how exhausted I am. But occasionally, even on days like today, things get me down, without any explanation. I probably shouldn’t write on days like today, but the truth is having cancer is crap! And even then saying that I feel like a fraud, my situation is so much easier than most, the tumour was small, I found it early, it hasn’t spread, I may not need chemo….so many good things all in my favour. I have so much admiration for people like my step sister who had so much more to deal with than me, her strength to keep going is truly outstanding. Seriously, what have I got to moan about?
Next to me is my ipad, and it just beeped at me. I’m playing a game called cityville where you build a city and to do so you need energy to do anything. I think at the moment I enjoy playing it because it gives me control over a microcosm in a situation when all I feel is out of control. Anyway I digress, it just beeped to tell me that one of my ‘friends’ sent me “one energy”. How I wish that were a reality!
Today is a bad day and I hope you’ll forgive my rant, but let me leave you with this. One of the most significant things that happened yesterday is that the consultant walked into the clinic room and Rich and I greeted him with our normal smile and cheery selves (yesterday was a good day!), and he commented that he liked seeing us because we were always so cheerful. Not terribly surprising that he would notice, when generally he’s dishing out bad news and dealing with a clinic that is always running late. But as we came away from the appointment we both considered that to be the most significant thing that he had said. In all of this, the bad days and the good, the small mercies and the life-changing circumstance, we have been sure of God with us. Been sure of his peace and his strength, been assured that no matter what is dealt out He is with us. We have not been taken out of this storm but in the midst of it have known the calm and the security of the presence of God. This is why (most days) we continue to rejoice and be cheerful to the point that other people notice the difference and why on days like today I have hope that tomorrow will be better.